I’ve on many occasions found myself in a moral dilemma of whether to hold in my desires and allow them to build over time, or to succumb and become victim of my own appetence.
I, recently, allowed myself to give into what many may not consider a big deal, but as of right now I am. I have had several partners; I am in no way a modern day Don Juan, but I mean, more than a few partners in these activities. This most recent occurrence occurred after an evening out with her, which all the way through seemed to tease me with tempt. I’d describe her to you as a modern day equivalent to if Judas and Jezebel were to make a daughter. I won’t go into all that detail yet—let’s stick with the basics. Well we got so far as kissing, and a bit more, but nothing too intense, or below the waist. We’ve kissed before on one other occasion, maybe two months ago, but I couldn’t give you a date for the run-in.
I was point in a situation where my own sexuality took more power than my ability to reason and negotiate thought—I apparently am weak. She took the wheel and steered us into a predicament which made me decide, “Should I or should I not?” This should have never happened, considering her knowledge of a soon to be date between myself and one of her friends, which leads me consider her a spawn of Judas—betrayer of the friendship. I know! She can’t solely be to blame, I must at times take blame for my actions, but I feel more victim than ever. I didn’t want this to happen at all, but somehow it did. I went the whole evening without allowing as little as a hint to that I had anything of that sort in mind, which I didn’t. About half way through the evening I even texted the soon to be date, and told her what we were doing, and such just to sort of let her know she was on the mind, but then I guess I lost bearing and felt the need to give in. She literally asked for it, could not even make that up. Even worse: she asked to invite herself to join on the date between her “friend” and I. That even put in awe, without an idea as to how to respond. Maybe such a strong biblical reference as saying she took the role of Jezebel, and put me in the role of the Hebrews for the evening is out of line, but I feel at this time that it works rather well.
I spent awhile after she left explaining to the largest victim: her “friend”, and my soon to be date the whole situation and outcome. She took it much better than had expected and we will still be keeping our plans. And I was devastated before talking to her that I had broken trust and led us into a permanent end. I had the idea of permanence, though I dislike change; both frighten me.
I am glad to say goodbye to the girl of tonight, and hello to the girl of tomorrow.
Michael
